The Alchemy of Silence: Why Solitude Is the Antidote We Avoid
Transitions have been an undeniable change happening in every human being. School and college time, a lovely time packed with friends, family, people telling you what to do, what not to do, helping you with the chores, feeding you all three times, looking after you when you are sick, and being there for you when needed… And then after that comes the time for job search and hunting, but still, you are busy. Busy with finding opportunities, openings, decision-making, and landing the job you want, or at least one that would help you pay your bills. But what after that?
The little wave of loneliness starts from there. It's not definite for everyone, whereas people feel lonely in different aspects of their lives. But for a majority, it hits at this period. Slowly but gradually it starts filling our room with emptiness; empty call logs, empty tables, cars are empty, and even days feel empty. Then you gradually try to live with it, but some try to avoid it by substituting it with other activities, distractions, and even relationships. To fill that emptiness with anything except the empty feeling or pure thoughts that flood into your mind, you choose people who are not good for you, substances that act as temporary pleasures, places you would never ever go if it weren’t to be included, and the relationships that you hold on to just to not be lonely. But at what cost?
When do we really learn to be alone? Or why are people so afraid of it? Is it because of the unwanted noises popping into their mind or the unfamiliarity of dealing with it? Is it that difficult to sit with your thoughts? Moreover, is it really good to sit alone? How is it helping?
Yet we cling to constant connection; it deteriorates a lot of growth elements in our lives or brings unnecessary chaos. We are social beings, and absolutely we need people around us. But when does it become too much? If we are always around people or constantly distracted by other things, when do we get to sit with our own thoughts and understand them? All these interactions with people—at some point, you need to evaluate and understand it in your own safe space. The things you do, the things you like to do and never got to do, evaluate how you are when you are not surrounded by people and how you behave when you are surrounded by one; what thought constantly comes to your mind, and what is it about? Is it calling your girlfriend or boyfriend just because you are lonely or binge-watching Netflix? If you are constantly engaged in these distractions, how would you find answers to these?
Our distractions have been so deep that they have swept into our subconscious level. For example, pulling your phone out of your pocket when you're alone or outside has become so automatic that we no longer have to think about it. When did we forget to listen and observe our surroundings? If our brain goes on automated motion all the time, how will we produce novel ideas or do the basic thinking? And again, we fall into the same old routine, dependency, and distraction. It doesn’t mean you have to stay alone or sit with yourself every day, as it also creates serious complications in our lives. But at least bring your consciousness into the present and know what "YOU" are doing.
The emptiness we feel here, loneliness is not just the absence of others but the fear of confronting ourselves. Here we feel lonely because we strive for people and connection. It's not our derived wish or intention to be alone and spend some time alone, unlike solitude. Solitude is the mostly unacknowledged cousin of loneliness. The only difference is the intention, and intention changes everything. It can make you feel lonely, abandoned, and unloved, constantly striving for attention and belongingness, and make you desperate for connection and validation. The same intention can also make you feel calm, relaxed, and enjoy your own company, finding inner peace and contentment. It's how we perceive the situation whether we feel lonely or content in a given condition. Simply put, when loneliness screams, "You are not enough," solitude whispers, "What can you become?"
Once you feel the emptiness knocking at your door, don’t hurry up to make it go. Take time to sit with it. Make it a moment to start feeling things raw without distraction, without dependence. Get back your steering from the automation mode and be aware of what you are doing every single time. When you are in your house, enjoy cooking; when you are in a metro, look around at people, their emotions, and their struggles; think about how each person is the main character of their life. Look around at the trees, skies, and roads. Try to observe and feel the things around you without having anyone around all the time. It can be difficult at first, as you have been constantly engaged your whole life, and suddenly slowing down and observing can be difficult; you feel bored, annoyed, and restless. But eventually, you will get to the good part.
Start today with a ten-minute walk without your phone. And slowly make it a habit. When you start observing more and talking less, you start seeing the world differently; you enjoy every minute of your time. The world around you becomes the entertainment not because it’s loud, but because you’ve finally learned to listen. And in that listening, you might just hear yourself.
By Aslaha Sulthana EK
(Consultant Psychologist-Ushaar.com, Principal Psychologist and Program manager
NUOVIK,
Western Australia)
